I just want someone to be madly in love with me. Someone who will love me more than i love myself; someone who will help me love myself. I want someone who says “i love you” first. I want to feel like we’re equally in love with each other, not like i’m the only one intrested. I just want you. To see that. To act on it. To open up. To love me. Here’s to us. Here’s to not going down the path we were on in June, cause thats where i fear we are headed.
Today was my first day serving in the Children’s Ministry at River Bluff Fellowship. It was awesome. So awesome, that I told Liz I could serve every Sunday. I worked with two year olds, and I absolutely loved it. I loved it. A girl named Laura from my school was serving for the first time as well. All we did was play with the kids and help them learn to share and play nice. It was so great. There was one little boy named Parker, who sat on my lap the entire hour and fifteen minutes we were there. He was so shy and he didn’t play with anyone. He just quietly sat on my lap while I read him Veggie Tales books and while I caught the other kids sliding. His dad happened to be the room server for the service after us. When I was getting ready to leave, Parker ran up to me and hugged my leg. I picked him up and told him I would come to play next time and then put him down. He attached himself to my leg once more and his dad was trying to call him back. I picked him up and brought him over to his dad. As I was walking out the door he started crying and it about broke my heart. I would work in the Children’s Ministry all day every day if I could. I now understand why Liz loves her job.
After that, I went to the 11 o’clock service like usual and sat by Derek and Katherine. It was nice not clinging to Bobby or Aaron for once. Little things like that are how I know I’m growing in my own way. And that makes me happy. Micah and the worship band were brilliant as usual. You know when you are going through something and a song will play and you think it was made for you? Or the church lesson will be exactly what you are dealing with? Well that is was happened today. Pastor Scott talked about our control issues as humans and as soon I saw what the service was about I laughed. God is so great in that way. The lesson was fantastic. RBF is having its baptism service next Sunday and God has definitely put it on my heart to be baptized. But I can’t go on Sunday because I will be at Fall Getaway still. This was put on my heart last semester, I just kind of put it on the back burner, but now as I’m ready, I can’t. Haha, things like this always happen, but God will find a way.
After service was the college community group. So all of us headed upstairs and enjoyed pizza, soda, and fellowship. Pastor Scott talked to us for a few minutes about the service today and what we thought. Then we all just sat around and talked. Laura introduced me to a few people, one of which looked like he was Eric from That 70s Show. It was ridiculous. I also met Ruth. She is really nice and I’m excited to continue getting to know these people and growing in this community. All this time, Katherine had kind of been following me around like a lost puppy. She asked me how Children’s Ministry went and I talked to her about it. I encouraged her to serve and she signed up with Liz! Then she started talking about how she would like to go to CRU but right now she goes to the Vine with some of her friends. She feels like it is cliquey and she knows more people that go to CRU (because of RBF). So I encouraged her to go and even invited her to go this Thursday with me. Then I invited her to my small group tomorrow night and she said she would go if she didn’t have anything going on! The Lord definitely worked through me today and gave me the courage I needed to encourage her and invite her into my life and my different communities. I think she will really enjoy small group and CRU if she continues to go! Maybe later on it will be possible for me to disciple her. But that is a ways off. I am just excited to have finally invited someone to something. God is so good!
Today was just a great day in general. One of the best days I have had in a while. I am so on fire. Even with the many struggles I’ve had to face this semester, God is doing amazing things with my life. I find myself dreaming of these seemingly impossible things, but knowing that with God, I can do them. Its such a great feeling. Such a great knowledge. Such a great Love. And all I want to do is share it. I am so blessed.
I need You to love me and I won’t keep my heart from You this time.
And I’ll stop pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.
Justin, MSU Crusade for Christ
*I could literally read this every day. This means so much to me, and no one will ever know the power this has over me. I’m having troubles wondering why God would love a person as sinful and awful as me. Like I deserve His wrath. I deserve eternal damnation. I do. I am a liar, I judge, I have been sexually immoral, I want things I do not need, I want to be in control, I am selfish. I should be burning in a fiery pit forever, but I won’t. By a simple gift, a free gift, I am set free. Grace. Grace has set me free and given me endless riches in the Lord. And these tears I’m crying are so many thanks I give to the Lord because I don’t want to burn in Hell. He is truly amazing. He is righteous and no one will ever be able to surmount the relationship I have with God.
It’d be cool if one person I cared about actually cared enough to stick with me without leaving me. But that’s the thing about people, they will never satisfy. They will never fulfill my heart. I can try and try and try, but I’ll always feel empty with people. Now God? HE is fulfilling. He is wonderful.
Tonight was so amazing. God is so loving and so glorious. I wouldn’t be here without my best friend saying the harsh things that he did to me last night, and that was the Holy Spirit moving through him to reach me. Tonight he shared his testimony in front of 100+ people and there wasn’t a hint of fear in his eyes. He didn’t turn his normal shade of tomato red either when put in an uncomfortable situation. I can’t tell you how proud I was of him and how much I praised God the past few days for His movement in Aaron’s life. He has made him into a leader and a strong Christian MAN. I am so proud to call him one of my best friends. I turned to the girl next to me and said, “That’s my best friend!” Like, I love this kid so much. And his love for Christ compelled me into my own day of fast for spiritual growth. God’s works are so amazing and I want to praise Him from the mountains. I want to scream His name into the wind. I want to glorify Him through everything I do. I have finally done it. I have broken through the barrier that had been holding me back for the longest time. Well I didn’t break through it, God carried me over it. I am so thankful. And so blessed.
I am really trying with all of my heart and soul to give everything up to God and just trust in Him. I KNOW He is trustworthy and that He has my best interest in mind. So why is it that I still want to be in control of my love life? Why is part of me still fighting Him? Because I am afraid. I am afraid that no one will ever love me again. I’m afraid that if I start a relationship with anyone, they’ll leave me hanging without a reason why. I’m afraid of June. I’m afraid to open up again. I’m afraid that I won’t be attracted to the person God chooses for me. I’m afraid I won’t ever be good enough for a Christian man because in many ways, I am a weak Christian woman. I have some days where I feel on top of the world and like I am a role model to other women around me, but other days, I feel like I’m just following in the footsteps of those around me instead of blazing my own trail. This is what I’ve been working on. Being more confident in my faith and leading those around me instead of following. I’d rather lead those few into love and happiness, rather than follow others into darkness and misery. I want to be a leader and I know I can be if people would just give me the chance. If someone asked me to simply share my testimony, I would, without even thinking about it. I know its powerful and it will help someone out there. Anyway, I am trying really hard not to lead either of you on, but I’m going to do what feels right and what feels comfortable. I a also trying not to use you but after last night I feel like I’m right back where I started. I am going to follow what God has put on my heart and not deny it anymore. And I’m going to be happy with the King of kings as my guide.